“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
She puts the hot in psychotic
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did