I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
She puts the hot in psychotic
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.