The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.