Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
What kind of a cult is this?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now