“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier