girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Ron is short for Aaronald
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My blood type is b hungry.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes