Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers