*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*