What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
You Might Also Like
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
went fishing caught a bass
Haha! 😂
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
can’t talk my ride’s here
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.