God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know