Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*