I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!