ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse