Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”