When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.