Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Love is always patient and kind.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Haha! 😂
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Lucky old June.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.