My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
#NeverForget
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.