I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
You Might Also Like
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
wut hotdog?