*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
You Might Also Like
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.