Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
October already? What’s next? November????
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
This did not end as expected.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.