[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
#winning
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Unexpected Judgment