I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected