My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You Might Also Like
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.