Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
is this a threat
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.