I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
it was love at first sight
Phonetics
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.