Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.