I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.