I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.