Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.