They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often