[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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Bit chilly again tonight.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”