[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.