Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?