Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Found my door mat
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*