I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Netflix and scream at our children?!