My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.