The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor