I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
A small tragedy.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.