Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Bootstraps
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.