Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.