“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first