Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
You Might Also Like
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
saving face 👀
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
But is it really??
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables