#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.