Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone