My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
When your parents check you’re ok.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
crazy
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.