I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My background check bounced.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]