What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation