God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I never know how much to tip a cow.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.