I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.