95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago